Rebecca's Joy

February starts the month of love, winter blues, and mundane yet busy schedules. From the beginning of the month, I worked both as a sub and as an online tutor. I also am immensely proud of Frank for finishing the floors. They look amazing. We also moved some gently used cabinets we bought into the basement and re-assembled our dining room. On the way home from the airport to pick up my Dad, we bought 16 more boxes of the same flooring used for the main floor to also be added to our basement.

Books I’ve Read:
People Pleaser by Jinger Vuolo

For my fellow Christians:

Grow can feel cataclysmic at times. Some days you feel utterly stuck and others feel as if you have been whirled up in a blender. Occassionally, it is mountain top highs with the whole world whistling sunny tunes. Lately, I’ve found myself wrestling through some dark valleys and deep questions. Its a place where I have found myself listening to and talking with friends who are going through their own valleys. Unless you are out of step with society today, it is utter chaos. People have divided, secluded, raged, removed themselves, been anxious or depressed, stagnant, on the repeat cycle, or fighting battles known to few but judged by the court of a naiive jury.

Standing before a sovereign God on a unshakeable throne, I need no answers. For a deep dark sinner, salvation by grace, through faith, alone, is that enough? Indeed. If this were the only mercy in my lifetime, would be enough? Ay! However, I don’t always stop there, and my mind spirals downward as I wrestle through real problems with no answers or end in sight.

The roadmap of sanctification often has trailmarkers of suffering. In the life of a Christian, what hope is there that aligns with a suffering servant? Lonliness? Pain? Loss? Brokeness? Discontentedness? Foolish choices? Those hardly spark happiness or motivation. When they do, its a glimmer fading with the snickers of self-doubt and sabatoge. Why is that? I truly am aggrivated by how quickly I give up, give in, or resign myself to despair.

Hold my hand and walk with me for a moment. I know its hard and I know you feel abandoned, but lets just hold onto each other and navigate some rocky terrain.

Have you ever seen an ellipsis? It’s a series of three dots in writing, meant to indicate what is left unsaid or undone. It’s a tidy way of saying if, when, however, or waiting for an answer. Heres a few ardent examples:

I’ll be able to live my life when . . . happens. . .

God could fix this situation or relationship right now if He wanted to . . .

I won’t be able to feel/think/live until . . .

My life would be so much better if . . .

No one understands how hard it is for me. If only . . .

Do you find yourself ever thinking those thoughts, lining them up with sovereignty and coming up with the “God is always silent during the test” answer? I don’t say this to mock or misalign God’s character, but in essence, the very nature of my flesh is to cry out in defeat! I don’t understand why I am not making any progress.

It’s hard to even write these words without feeling the sickening temptation that suffering is for nothing and all my attempts at striving to do right have resulted in the utter lack of any good being done on my behalf. Ugh. Does that sound like you too? Are you striving out of rote memory because you don’t know what else to do? Are you wrestling with trust when the tear streaked cheeks are forlorn and the pain is insurmountable. I am holding onto hope and will one day bring back around some valuable advice.

To be continued . . . (please know that I am fine, just being honest with some of the thoughts I myself am wrestling through in order to be a conduit of grace and hope to others.